It is still the beginning of the new year and there are new decisions that need to be made and bad habits that need to be let go of. One thing I want to try to do is let some things go. I don’t necessarily have to forget nor do I have to make poor judgment because I have decided to let some thing(s) fall to the waist line. Some of you can stand to let some things go as well.
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So we have had three events that can cause something unexpected to pop up in nine months or so: Christmas, New Year’s and a polar vortex that caused dangerously low temperatures for half of the U.S. Not that unexpected things can’t happen on any other given day or event, but I felt the need to tackle this topic now. When two (or more) are in the moment, not much is running through ones’ mind. Something that might slip is the thought of protection, STD’s, and babies. I mean, the feeling is so overwhelming. Spots are touched, hit, licked and bit! Juices flow, bodies are flipped and turned until the energy is gone and you’re both laid out thinking about what just happened or what needs to happen next. So picture this, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being song by a choir and then there is a mistletoe (this is the remix, stay with me). It’s you and your boo and they lean in. You two kiss and they follow that up with the unexpected “I love you.” <insert scratching disk here> Whoa there! Where did that come from? It beats me, but what do you say in reply if you don’t feel the same? That is a great question. Next question please. I’ve been debating on writing this article. One of the most talked about relationship topic is cheating. I have written about it or mentioned it within other articles a few times. One thing I am not sure I touched enough on is the emotional toll cheating takes on both men and women, especially if you were in love with this person. I sat on this topic for a few days until it wouldn’t allow me to do anything else unless I wrote about it. We see the outside a lot. We see that women may get a bit violent; hitting their spouse, maybe the other lover, and throwing things. She may throw her spouse out of the house, make him sleep on the couch, talk to a friend or choose to be isolated. Men play it a little cooler. Surely they do not want to be by their spouse, they develop a thicker skin because “that’s what men are supposed to do”. So when we see men they appear fine. They go about life as usual. They distance or completely cut off their spouse, have ill feelings toward others they are interested in and may even become a womanizer or what have you. You see the exterior with both and they may both admit in different ways to never being able to love or trust again. Things like this…..I don’t want to talk about. How do we feel inside? We, both men and women, become an emotional train wreck! It all takes a toll on us and we question every single thing now. Of course we ask why, but we also begin to answer it in the same form. Was it me? Did I forget to do something? Were they not satisfied? Is the other person better? (hell no) What could it have been? What you don’t see is the level of self-esteem going down. Many can deny this, but whether you know or not or whether you want to admit it or not, your self-esteem is affected; your ego, your pride or self respect. Some may have issues with their confidence in finding someone else or someone better. Finding someone to love again or worthy of you. Some may find it difficult to forgive and move past the issue. After a while, you questioned if you were ever loved. Were you ever in love? Will love always hurt like this? Is this how love works? Do I want love? You think about how it isn’t fair and you deserve better. You try to think back to the most horrible thing you did to see if this is karma. All the while, you have been spending time alone, you didn’t go to work or went to work but wasn’t present in the mind. You missed class or didn’t pay attention to anything that was taught. You do not feel like doing anything anymore although you want to go out and get this off of your mind. When you do go out, something will trigger the memory of your partner, something you wanted to avoid. We become drained and tired. Fronting becomes a bit harder because you are starting not to care. Nothing is the same. Even your body tries to compensate by requesting more carbohydrates and refined carbohydrates (sugar) to produce the serotonin and tryptophan you are lacking. These are the “feel good” chemicals that are in your body or brain rather. You debate your options: go back to what you think you can predict or move forward into the unexpected. There are some people who walk around as if nothing happened to them and they easily get up and go about life, but it is just hard for me to believe that they honestly act the same way behind closed doors. I challenge those people to consider if they really cared about that person or relationship. I challenge them to figure out why they are so numb to the situation. I know the sayings about not letting them get you down, I can do better, they aren’t worth it, I’m not going to cry over them, there is somebody better out there, I’m not letting them get to me, there is life after them, and so forth. While some or all may be true, is there really no release of emotion that enables you briefly from everyday life? If you find that you did not care and aren’t numb, you are one of the lucky ones. If you find yourself to be opposite, and may have a different way of handling this situation, I wish you the best on your healing process. As always, my point of this long drawn out post is to tell cheaters to think before they act. Stop being selfish thinking about what you can have and think about what you can lose. Think about how you would make your love feel if they ever found out. Think about if they were doing this to you. And if for any reason you are not happy, leave! I find no excuse to cheating valid. Break up with them on good terms than on worse. You hurt the person more by being unfaithful, disloyal, and dishonest and you hurt yourself by being all of these things to yourself. Enjoy your holiday season, SP ****This photo was borrowed from http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/19/business/19thomas.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 . Please click on the photo to be redirected to the site.
There are things that can make or break a relationship. Technically, it is all up to the people in the relationship. What they will and will not tolerate. Some things are a bit more obvious. Because some people might stay with something I consider a deal breaker, I won’t name what some of those can be. Other things are just being petty or finding excuses. One excuse I hate to hear is long distance. Some things in life pull people away from one another. Whether these reasons are good or bad, it happens. College, the military, careers, and even families are all valid reason why some people have to be separated for extended periods of time. Just because you are in another town, city or state, does this mean that your relationship has to be over? No, but it does mean that you two have to be really committed to making the relationship work. I won’t lie; there will be people, places and things that will tempt you. You might become suspicious of your partner, read an article that says you are wasting your time, go to the club and be the only one leaving empty handed, or tempted in some other way. You may have people in your face who discourage long term dating and therefore encourage you not to do it. My opinion? That’s not good enough. We have things, people and places challenging us every day. Distance, any amount, should honestly increase your love and want for your significant other. If you are really in love and you really care, then stick it out. Do what needs to be done to make things work. I met this man from Paraguay whose wife is working in Africa. I asked how they made it work and he replied that they talk on the phone, Skyped and saw each other every three months. Miles apart, simply conversing was enough to sustain their relationship. Along with communication; trust, loyalty, and faithfulness all need to be established and maintained. The only exception I can think of is when you are actually in love and when you only like someone. More effort would be put forth when your feelings are deeply involved. If you find yourself questioning if you should maintain a long distance relationship, then maybe your feelings aren’t as deep as you thought they were and it would probably be best to let the relationship go rather than to drag it out when you know what the end result will be. I also think it is noteworthy to add that distance is only living in two separate cities, towns, states or countries. It could be the time you guys spend a part period. A relationship can benefit greatly when every minute is not spent with each other. This may seem hard, but when you are in love and you genuinely care for each other, anything is possible as long as it benefits the relationship and helps maintain a happy home. Some things are worth sacrificing. You just have to figure out what you are willing to give up. Sincerely, SP ****This photo was borrowed from http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Lighthouse_at_night,_Chania.jpg . Please click on the photo to be redirected to the site. At times, it is much easier to be mad at someone, to cry, to fight and hold grudges than it is to let things go and forgive. Forgiving someone takes a lot of strength. You have to be strong enough to say, “Ok, you made a mistake. You messed up and we all mess up at times. I forgive you.” Relationships aren’t perfect. They aren’t all as jacked up as others, but there isn’t one couple that can honestly say that they have experienced no problems whatsoever in their relationship. A problem that can be hard to move pass is cheating. When you are cheated on your hormones go up in a rage and you can become an emotional wreck. So many questions run through your mind. Thoughts of what your next move will be, what you should have said or done, and if you will stay plague your mind. So what happens if you decide to stay? How do you move past this? I have been in a situation where I was cheated on and decided to stay. I later chose another option, but initially said that we can work it out. The best advice I received during that time was that if I was going to stay, I have to let everything go. I cannot hold the cheating over their head. If I were to stay and I kept bringing up the past, we would never be able to move past it. It meant that I never really got over it and it would have been the driving force that, ultimately, would lead to us breaking up anyway. So I let it go, but I never forgot. Besides letting the incident go, you have to talk. A lack of communication is probably what got you two in the situation in the first place. There needs to be clear guidelines established. I am not talking about in by 9pm, no calls after 7pm, phone checks and so forth. I mean that there needs to be a clear and defined understanding about what you two have going on and what is expected. If you are expecting to be in a monogamous, faithful, loyal relationship, then say that. Let the other person know that if they feel that things are not going well in the relationship then they need to come to you. Give you a chance to make things right before they decide to seek the fulfillment elsewhere. Also, define what is considered cheating. Let them know what you will and will not tolerate. After the talk, after you decided that you are going to let this stay in the past, you both work together…….TOGETHER…..to make this relationship work. A relationship cannot be built, maintained or kept happy by just one individual. There are two people in a relationship and those two people need to do their equal parts to maintain a happy home. If someone can mess up that happy home, then someone wasn’t doing their part. Honestly, I hope no one has to experience this. I hope that if someone feels that they have the urge to cheat that they fight the temptation or leave the relationship before they partake in the act. If this does occur and you guys decide that your relationship is actually worth fighting for (for you, not for the kids, your friends or family, but for you!) then I recommend clear communication, equal work, defined lines and letting it go. With Love, SP ****These photos were borrowed from http://lovepicturesz.blogspot.com/2011/09/black-broken-heart-pictures.html and http://kwikblog.kwikmed.com/2013/02/14/die-of-a-broken-heart-unlikely-but-not-impossible/ respectively. Please click on the photos to be redirected to those sites.
I love fresh milk! I can drink it all day if I want. But who likes spoiled milk? No one. You know, there are countless songs and poems about treating a female good because once a good girl is gone, she’s gone forever. Honestly, I now think that line means that she is gone from that person forever. But when a good guy goes bad, you might as well fold it up because it is a wrap. Unfortunately, in my experience, guys are not the best or quickest at expressing their emotions, but that is not to say that guys don’t love hard, especially their first love. When a guy is truly in love, it is just like a child in love with their parents. It’s genuine and pure. When that love is tainted, it’s gone for a long time. I think that girls are quicker to forgive than guys. Girls seems to always find themselves back to being hopeless romantics believing that their true love is out there, while guys will continue to have the “fuck love” mentality and will withdraw themselves from intimacy in hopes of dodging another heartbreak. Guys will categorize all of the females they encounter and probably avoid “good girls” just so they won’t have to travel down that route again. They want to live more and not be involved in anything serious. If they do get into something serious, they either find a way out or end up messing up, not even thinking about what heartache they have caused. It is as if guys become foreign to love and will not think about renewing their passport for a long time. I am saying all of this to say that it isn’t always about you. We have to learn that if we have a good man on our hands then we should treat him like the man he is. Help him when he is down, don’t lead them on, and just support them in their good endeavors. Basically, you should treat your mate the way you want to be treated. I am not saying kiss ass, over do your part or put in more than you are getting out. I am saying to simply recognize when you have a good man on your hands and treat him as such. Don’t let the milk go bad and expect someone else to drink it. It will all come full circle eventually. Sincerely, SP ****This photo was borrowed from http://www.dairyreporter.com/Regulation-Safety/No-need-to-cry-over-spoiled-milk-pasteurisation-resistant-bacteria-identified . Please click on the photo to be redirected to the site.
****These photos were borrowed from http://bibsandbaubles.com/finding-time/ and http://www.scottsdalemomsblog.com/2011/09/14/mommy-me-time-giveaway/ respectively. Please click on the photos to be redirected.
What if you had $100 from every check deposited into your bank account. You do this twice a month for about a year and a half and you figure you could finally get yourself something nice. Something you really deserve. You go to withdraw some funds and you find out that you can only get about half of your total amount out. So let’s back track. You put in money twice a month for over a year and when you want something back in return, you don’t even get half?? It’s about time to withdraw all of your funds and find another bank. This can happen in a relationship as well. You give and give and give, they take and take and take and never give as much as you. You are willing to do more than them, you pay more attention to them and their wants and needs than they pay attention to you, you give more time, make yourself more available than them and so forth. This happens more than often and most times can last longer than it should. It usually takes something that one partner really cared about that the other overlooked for something like this to be noticed. If this is something you experience, it is time to establish a tolerance level. In some cases, it isn’t that your spouse does not care or does not give as much as you, but instead they give more in other areas that you may not. Whether that is the case or not, if you see this as an issue, it is time to think about what are deal breakers. Is it ok that he or she does not dedicate enough attention to certain areas or to you? Can it be resolved? It is important to let them know that this is an issue. Never expect things to get better between you and your love if you do not address the issue and attempt to work out a solution. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it wasn’t mastered without a plan in mind either. If you have made it clear that there was an issue in your relationship bank and your withdrawal still does not equal your deposit, it may be time to pull out altogether. Some things cannot be fixed. Some things aren’t huge enough issues to leave over either, but if you feel that your bank statement is seriously making you unhappy and there is no resolution, I am sure that you can find a better, more secure home with another private bank. All the best, SP ****This photo was borrowed from http://martyrpriest.com/tag/grace/ . Please click on the photo to be redirected to the site. Work all day, school all day, cleaning all day, cooking all day, taking care of somebody all day, busy all freaking day! Some of us get into a routine, a groove, a rut. Whatever you want to call it, we get so stuck in our patterns that we forget about ourselves. We bring work home, into the bed room, out with our friends and so forth, that we never really take time to step away. I think it is time you call in sick and change up your routine. Knowing what you are doing and when you are supposed to do it is great. Having an agenda and being organized is a great personal quality and even work quality. What isn’t good is when you have to pencil in time for your significant other. When you are getting ready for bed, but can’t put the laptop or cell phone down because you have to finish something up for work real quick. When you miss important dates and events or have to reschedule your off time because duty calls. I know that you have to work to sustain your living standards. I know that being a parent is a full time job. I know that you work hard at what you do so that you can be the best and you probably do not like leaving tasks undone. But what about you? What about dedicating time to spend with your friends so that you can relax? What about giving attention to your man or woman and making them feel appreciated and wanted? What about spending quality time with your family like you used to? What about bringing yourself down to Earth and letting work stay at work?
That’s exactly what you should try. Once you leave the office, you are gone in every sense until the next work day. Do not reply to work related texts or emails (unless you are getting paid to) or work on projects and so forth once you leave the office. Your definitely want to keep it out of your bedroom. Give yourself a break from time to time to just relax and de-stress. If you are off on weekends, then you are off on weekends (unless of course you are like an on-call doctor or something). I know for some of us, our profession requires us to be more flexible and available, but the point I’m getting at is to not neglect yourself, your wants and needs, and those around you. Go out and live a little. A world does exist outside of work. Break a rule and diverge from your usual and do something a little unusual. I’m sure you will love it! Sincerely, SP ****This photo was borrowed from http://mandicresswell.blogspot.com/2011/06/spa-day.html . Please click on the photo to be redirected. |
AuthorI am a journalist with a passion for writing and helping others. Views expressed are solely mine unless other wised mentioned. They are my opinions and are not always facts. Archives
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