Have you guys ever wondered how parents know how to be parents? I mean, we all know the basic things to do for a child. Clothe, feed, bathe, play sometimes, etc. What about other things like knowing not to forget your child in the grocery cart or knowing not to roll over on them while sleeping. Where does the patience come from? How do you know what decisions to make? Is it possible at all to be a great parent if you weren’t raised by one? Absolutely. You know what you want to provide for your child and how you want them to be cared for, so you do it. Is it possible to be in a successful relationship if you’ve never had an example of it?

      Why not? I debated with a friend on this a while back. It made no sense to me at all. There are a lot of things in life that we don’t have examples of, but are charged to do. Being a good parent, being a good employee, hell, being a great friend. We are provided with the basic materials in life so that we are able to do almost anything we want. You may think that a relationship may not be comparable to some other things, but regardless, you have the basic understanding anyway to even succeed in a relationship. You know how to treat people nicely and how you want to be treated. You’ve played house since I don’t know what age and understand how to care for others by doing so. Your intuitions and gut feelings have never let you down when you knew you were going to get your butt whooped, so don’t doubt them now. You know how to observe people and find out what makes them tick so making another person happy shouldn’t be as challenging as some people may think.

      Nothing is fool proof. I won’t say that because you haven’t had a great example that you will automatically succeed. I read a post where two brothers were raised in a house with an alcoholic dad. One grew to be an alcoholic while the other did not. When asked why they made the choice to or not to drink, they both referenced growing up with their father being an alcoholic. It is possible to not have a successful relationship because of examples you’ve had in your life, but you will always have all of the material to make it successful if you want.

      Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t have an example of peaceful protests and equal rights prior to his launch, but he had an idea of what it should be.  Just because you haven’t been exposed to a successful or perfect relationship, doesn’t mean that you don’t know how one should work. People are capable of far greater things than what is believed. Y’all may think I am going off topic, but to me this is greater than just a relationship. We are all capable of being better than our environment and successful in life in any aspect if we work hard to be such. We already have the tools within us and it is to our discretion how, when and where we use them. Success is defined by you and there is no reason we all can’t achieve it.









 
                                                                                                                                                Go Make it Happen,

                                                                                                                                                                      SP

      Often times with one night stands, people screw it all up and it becomes more than a one night stand or a topic that is brought up later because the two knew one another or kept in touch. If you are looking for friends with benefits or a booty call, that’s cool, but there are rules to every game.
 
**********FULL DISCLAIMER- I AM ENCOURAGING WHAT YOU MAY CONSIDER OUT OF CHARACTER ACTIVITY**********
 
Random person or someone you don’t care to see again: This may come easier for guys than girls, yeah, I am stereotyping. For one night stands, the point is to literally have one night of total sexual liberation. We don’t want to make this person our significant other or fantasize about the future with them. We want to get in and get out. No point in complicating a friendship with sex when there are other alternatives. That is, unless you enjoy the “what are we?” questions.

Just a physical attraction: With friends with benefits, you want someone you can chill with, possibly date and have casual sex without the attachment. This requires you getting to know them a bit. With a one night stand, you just need to be physically attracted. The only other questions you may want answered are do you have an STD/I, do you have condoms, and are you paying for the room? Let’s keep this as simple as possible.

Be bold: Look, this isn’t the time to play hard to get or wait for them to approach you. If you see something you want, go and get it. Closed mouths don’t get fed. Insert other cliché quotes that mean, “go and get it.” Approach him/her and lay it out. I mean, don’t go up to the person and ask them to drop their drawls. We can be a bit classier. Feel them out and see if they are on the same thing that you are and make your move. Mission: get the drawls!

Get your nut by any means necessary: I am not encouraging you to just hoe around. Eventually, I am hoping you will find someone who will play a more constant role in your intimate life, but until that time comes around, you get what you came for. If shorty can’t get you right, then you get yourself right. Put yourself in the more dominant position and take control reaching your own climax. I am encouraging you to be selfish and get yours regardless if they get theirs!

No communication afterward: The sex was hopefully just what you needed. With any luck, it will last you a while and you won’t need a fix anytime soon. Don’t exchange numbers, names, or social media handles. Don’t leave a business card, an email, smoke signal or send a pigeon in the middle of the night with a kinky note. It was what it was and is what it is. Go back to work or school until you are ready for something a little more serious.
 
                Hey, we all need some relief every now and then and for some, it is sexual. Have fun and enjoy life. Get all of your hoeing out before you settle down. If you are going to have one night stands, my top rule above these five is to stay safe and stay strapped. Get checked frequently and only spread love.





 
                                                                                                                                                       Happy Sexing,

                                                                                                                                                                    SP

    There is a candy store. You tried this one piece of candy, only one of its kind, and you absolutely love it. It does for you what no other piece of candy has. It fulfills your taste, doesn’t get stuck in your teeth, no bad after taste, no color change on your tongue and it is even good for you. Unfortunately, it does not quench your curiosity. You still want other pieces of candy despite loving this one so much. So the candy poses the option to you that you can have this candy, one of a kind, for the rest of your life or have the option to dip and dab into any of the other candies that does not satisfy you in the same way that this one does, but presents a multitude of varieties. What is your decision?

      While the option of having dibs on anything in the candy store can be very tempting, why not take the offer of that one piece of candy that embodies all you want and work on quenching your thirst for more? What am I getting at? If you have someone in your life who makes you feel like no one else has ever been able to make you feel, then why let this person go just to be able to parlay for the rest of your life? Many of you are probably looking at this in a way that I generally would. It is better to leave than to cheat, and I still agree with this idea. I fully support it. At the same time, this is selfish, but selfish doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. In fact, both options presented are selfish.

      Option one: One person for the rest of your life. Thinking solely about yourself, why wouldn’t you want to wake up to the one person who compliments you? This one person who has created a feeling inside of you that you’ve never felt. It’s warm, comfortable, soothing, loving, caring, encouraging, and is just like grandmas home cooking on a Sunday evening when everyone has come to visit. Who wouldn’t want to keep this feeling going? The only thing wrong is that it is one person. Maybe it is the fear of having to decide to stay with this one person for the rest of your life. You’re afraid of things changing or missing out on something else because you decided to choose one and not many. If it’s anything life has taught me, it’s that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that fear was the only thing that could hold us back from prospering, succeeding and moving forward in any aspect of our life, including advancing in love.

      Option two: Opportunity to date different people for the rest of your life. Being selfish can mean being greedy and thinking of the option to date many people and not one for life, is pretty greedy. Letting your appetite supersede what you need or can handle can put you in a losing position. You may lose out on the one person who will ever truly love you and fulfill you. While it is not considered selfish to leave before cheating, it is selfish to leave this person considering that you both have grown fond of one another and have possibly thought of happily ever after with one another. You didn’t consider the heartbreak you would cause and they would endure, nor the scar that it may leave and the affect it would have on their future relationships. You only thought about yourself and what you would be missing if your options were limited to one and not many.

      I’m not saying that dating isn’t good, nor am I against a person leaving a relationship that doesn’t work for them. The only thing I caution is missing your beat. Things are going well and then claustrophobia gets the best of you. I’m not sure that love will be waiting for you down the line or that you will be complacent with the single life forever, but it is something to really consider. Whether it is a fear or just a selfish mindset, just remember that while you are busy chasing a diamond, you may be missing out on a treasure.

                                                                                                                                                                Think about it,

                                                                                                                                                                                SP

       You know, I love the holidays. When I was younger, aside from the gifts, my favorite part about the holidays was the decorations. You like decorations too, I’m sure. So, let’s say that you like ornaments in particular. Out of all the ornaments, the different shapes and colors, you seem to always be drawn to the circle ones.  It’s just something about them. Every year, you put them up, they fall, break or tarnish, and every year, you buy more of the same ornaments. Stay with me. Have you ever thought about buying different ornaments? All ornaments aren’t the same. Neither are people. You keep dating the same type of people, something goes wrong, and you find yourself dating the same type of people again only to say that all men/women are the same. When ole faithful falls through, it’s time to try something new (hey, that rhymed!)

We’ve all said it, I’ll admit that I once had this belief as well. We’ve all thought at one time or another that all men or women are the same. Every man or woman has even argued that they are different. No, their argument wasn’t a lie, but just exactly what are you looking for when you select your prospects? We want someone loyal, respectful, understanding, dependable, humorous, honest and so forth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but how many of us actually find all of that? You may find someone who is attractive (shouldn’t be the TOP priority FYI), funny and dependable, but you let them slide on the other characters you are looking for. You say you want someone who has goals and is going somewhere in life, yet you always find yourself with a wanna be thug with dreams of owning the block or a chick whose ultimate dream is to own a weave line. You get with either of the two only to find out that their dream is just that or is something so far from realistic that it can only come true in a dream. No shade to anybody, but what are you getting? You don’t want to date a cheater, but you take one back. You don’t want to date anyone who is disrespectful, but allow him to call you a bitch or you see the level of respect given to the females in their life is not up to your standards and you stay. Hold up, I’m not through. You say you want a lady with class, but every chance she gets, she’s in somebody’s club shaking her tail in an outfit that barely covered it in the first place. You want someone who gives you attention, but end up with someone who’d rather chill with their friends than you. You choose a person who spends carelessly, but want a person who can budget and help build a future you both aspire to have.

The saying is finally true, “it’s not you, it’s me.” You damn right it’s you. Stop dating the same type of person expecting different results. It’s not going to happen. Don’t settle and don’t budge. Try something new and see what results you get. I’m not saying you have to be pretentious and have these incredibly high standards. No, I am saying that you either need to switch things up or stop lowering your value, or both! There are so many varieties of people to date in the world, don’t get comfortable with just one when that one isn’t working out. Ask Santa for something different this Christmas and see how that sets off your new year.





                                                                                                                                                            Happy Holidays,
                                                                                                                                                                           SP

        Not every break-up is a good break-up. With that said, not every break-up is a bad break-up. Break ups do not always mean the end of all relationships. At the very least, a friendship can still exist. Depending on how and why ya’ll call a quits determines if you guys can possibly be friends.

        Out front, I can’t see being friends with someone who abused you or tried to control you. I think those individuals are jealous and have esteem and self-esteem issues and would probably jeopardize any future relationship you have, be invasive in your life or still try to have mind control over you.

        With that out of the way, it is very possible to be friends with an ex, and even their family, regardless of how you two parted ways, aside from the aforementioned. A relationship should be based on friendship, so in a sense, it will be like getting back to the basics. A challenge would be trying to force a relationship when one doesn’t want one or when someone or both are still in love. That hinders you two from moving on.

        Becoming friends after a relationship will not always happen immediately. Some people need the time apart to appreciate the friendship they had within the relationship or they need the time to actually move on from you emotionally. Without this time, it will cause a heartbreak or torn heart,  as their heart will either be in two places or will never leave from what once was. For continuing the familial friendships, it does some good to let go of the relationship emotionally first. If not, you may find yourself always bringing up your ex and trying to find out what they have going on and who they are with when the relationship with their family should not be for the purpose of keeping up with the past. I was able to maintain a great relationship with my ex’s family by having an understanding that I don’t come around when he is present and we don’t talk about him. This doesn’t have to be adopted, but this is what worked for me especially when the wound was still fresh. After getting over the hump, I was able to determine if I wanted a friendship with him or even cared to know how he is doing in life. I benefited more by keeping him in the past and not letting our relationship affect the relationship I had with his family. Forcing a friendship when one doesn’t want one could lead to a lack of communication, bad communication and/or just being turned off by them altogether.

        Take the friendship slow with the ex. There is nothing to rush. Talking often shouldn’t be something you guys aim to do. Don’t expect it to be like usual. They are not your rebound and should not be used to fill the void they left or as an excuse why you can’t talk to new potentials. As time goes on, if you two are comfortable, then pick up the frequency of how often you two talk and the topics. By the sixth month mark of the friendship, not the break-up, it should be OK to begin to talk about your new love. Test it and see how it goes. Everything else should begin to fall in place. If you are thinking about reviving a friendship with a super old ex, then you can expect things to be a bit different because you two may be ready or able to handle more information/topics sooner than if the break-up was fresh. Heads up, it’s a good idea to let the new boo know that you are cool with your ex and let them know that it isn’t a threat. The last thing you want to mess up is a good thing with a new thang.



                                                                                                                                                                                With love,
                                                                                                                                                                                            SP

        You know, I am real big on analogies. Consider this one. You own a home and your security system is currently down. A burglar gets in and ruins your happy home. Remove the fact that you can actually call the cops for invasion, robbery, burglary, theft and so forth. It is later revealed that a door or window was left open. Who is at fault?

        The person who gave access, that’s who. There are plenty of times within relationships when someone steps out. It is a terrible situation that we all hate, but who do you go after? It is the fault of the person who was cheated with that your home wasn’t secure or was easily accessible, or is it the person who cheated? Often times we go after the one who cheated with our loved one. We fight them, threaten them, totally dislike them and probably wish bad things on them like getting hit by a car. While our focused is on them, it needs to be redirected to the one you thought you were in a monogamous and faithful relationship with. They are the ones who stepped out, made it possible for someone else to come in and cheated. I am not saying what the other person did is excusable, but I am saying that it is not their responsibility to make sure you have a happy home.

        Speaking of which, if cheating is an option then the home cannot possibly be as happy as you believe. Whatever the issues may be, even if it is an illness or what have you, it interrupts the stability of a healthy relationship and needs to be addressed. Make sure the lines of communication are always open between you and your partner and they can talk to you about anything, good or bad. Hopefully, this will allow them to address the problem before or instead of attempting to find a resolution elsewhere. A relationship will not always be a walk in the park. There will be various paths you can take, rocks you may stumble on, an occasional jogger who may through you off track and make you want to push or punch them, and even a big rain cloud that will cause a down pour eliminating your sunny day. Regardless of the hardships that you guys may experience, there will always be a rainbow at the end if you work together to solve the problems, stay on the same path and have an open line of communication. Remember, the problem is not outside of the house, look within your home and make sure you secure it.



                                                                                                                                                                Peace, love and lipstick,
                                                                                                                                                                                                SP

Labor Day weekend is among us, so you know what that means? Cuffing season has commenced. For those who are schleep, cuffing season is when single gals and guys scout out people they are attracted to and, through a process of elimination, decide on one booty to keep them warm until summer breaks (or spring). There may be a few lucky ones that get to stay on the bus, but usually, the ride is over when the sun comes out. So for my single readers, I know you want to make the cut. Here are some simple things you can do to reserve your seat this season:

1.FLIRT- While I encourage a good chase, don’t be a mouse that doesn’t come out to play. If you see something you like, let it be known. You don’t have to scream it to the roof tops, but subtle hints (i.e. eye contact, smiling, TALKING, actually saying you are interested) will surely get you noticed.

2.BE CONSISTENT- Give out what you want. If you want good conversation, give good conversation. If you want to chill, make time for it or ask for it. It’s a two way street.

3.REPLY- There is nothing worse than reaching out and getting nothing back. If you are a horrible texter or talker, let it be known and tell them what your preferred method of communication is. If not, just chuck this up as a loss already.

4.BE ATTENTIVE- Don’t sometimes the person. You know, like them one day, don’t want to be bothered the next. You have to kind of be all in with this and give up some attention. Make time for them the best way you can.

5.SHOW INTEREST- This really is a competition. We can go on our tirade of high self-esteem and claim no competition, but it exist and the moment you slip up, they will be coming for your spot. This is a process of elimination people. Prove that you want the spot.

6. ***GIVE IT UP- This is probably the worst advice and I’m laughing thinking about it, BUT this is for a season and not necessarily for a life time. The purpose of cuffing season is for constant cuddy during the cold months. This won’t be the case for all, but you really shouldn’t be surprised if this is asked of you or considered a deal breaker.


            Getting cuffed isn’t really hard; you just have to be willing to put in work. It differs from just dating because dating usually has a different purpose, no set termination and the alpha assumes the alpha role instead of the alpha and beta both competing for a position. Go for what you want and enjoy it. Remember, this is all in fun and should be treated as such. Don’t be such a stick in the mud!




                                                                                                                                                                                Happy Hunting,
                                                                                                                                                                                                    SP

 

**Disclaimer-I’m pretty sure it is illegal to have sex in public, even if you are on your own property without a private property sign, so be careful not to get caught. Also, don’t burn the kiddies eyes by letting them find you. Wait until they are sleep or away if possible.




                                                                                                                                                            Happy Humping,
                                                                                                                                        SP

        The more you get to know a person, the more intrigued you become, granted that you like what you are finding out. You want to know more, spend more time with them and talking to them. Similarities and commonalities bring you two closer together and this person can potentially be a lover…unless they have already placed you in the friend zone.

        Ugh, those God awful words. This zone is almost worse than the no sex zone. At least with the no sex zone you may have hope that one day he or she may bust it wide open, but that friend zone! Man, it makes you lose all hope. But should all hope be lost? How do you escape the zone and transition from friends to lovers?

        Now, I don’t want to get you all excited. There is a 50/50 chance that you can successfully leave the friend zone. Some people will not budge, but others may be secretly feeling you right back. Start by becoming a little softer. Switch up the conversation and your voice tone. You may even want to talk to them more. Begin to flirt. You can start subtly by laughing at all jokes (even the ones that you usually just give them a blank stare for) and touch them when you talk or laugh. I’m sure that you guys spend time together, but try moving things to public places and make it a date for just you two, no other friends. Go to places like a ice cream parlor or snack shop and a legit restaurant to eat and chill, not the corner spot, drive-through or walk-up. I’m sure all of this sounds familiar. These are things you would do when you are courting. That’s basically what you have to do in this situation.

        One last thing you should do before coming out and confessing your undying love for your boo-friend is out right, bold and blunt flirting. I don’t suggest being an ass about it, but eliminate all room for suspension and make it obvious that you are feeling them as more than a friend. This can be in person or the phone. If you don’t get put in your place with the “bff you’re so crazy,” or “friend, don’t play like that,” or any other indication that you have definitely jumped the fence and need to head back into the friend zone, then move forward and tell boo-friend, “I got a thing for you baby you know.” In the instance that you have to go back across the fence, you have to decide if you can accept just the friendship or if it’s time to move on. And for you horrible, horrible people with so much power, let them down easy. If you feel a friend is doing too much and taking it too far, be upfront and let them know how you feel about the situation. Tell Rodger to go home!

        Some people fear that being more than friends can jeopardize a friendship. I believe in the quote by Ella Wheeler Wilcox  that “All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand.” Every great relationship is built upon friendship so there is a good chance of having a successful relationship. In the event that it does not work out, it only means that you two are better as friends and with a friendship as strong as what you two have, going back to a platonic relationship shouldn’t be a hard thing to do.

                                                                                                                                                                      

                                                                                                                                May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor,
                                                                                                                                                                                SP