Such is so with Victoria Griffin. Looking back on her childhood, Victoria remembers spending holidays with her family. A family held together by her great-grandmother, Delores Sullivan, or grammy as she lovingly called her. What Victoria did not know was the loss of her grammy in 2008 would mean the loss of family gatherings.

           “The passing of my grammy caused a lot of issues that eventually led to certain members of the family not speaking to one another for years. It's 2014 and this divide is still present within my family.” As hard as it is for Victoria to accept that things may never be the same, she and her family make the best of their holidays and gatherings by sharing memories of holidays past.

          Victoria is plagued by the death of a loved one during the holidays, but Vernalette Smith-Rosa believes her case is worse.

          “The lying, the cheating, the bad decisions concerning our finances were more than any person should have to deal with, but I really loved this man.”

          Married for 19 years and 28 days, it was the love her ex-husband had for God that Vernalette fell in love with, but her love for God is what helped her leave. Vernalette recalls spending the holidays in Chicago with her ex’s family. The smell of food, sound of laughter and the presence of love from her in-laws are all a faint reminiscence. While the divorce was best for the couple, memories were all she had during the lonely holidays as the two coordinated time to share their two children.

          Times have gotten better and prayer helped Vernalette get through her divorce, along with meditation and therapy.

          “When you have this kind of love and commitment, you pray, and pray and allow God to hold your hand through it all.”

          Therapy isn’t very common for coping, but Ashley Frazier, a Marriage and Family Therapist, believes that it should be.  Ashley has clients who need help coping with a range of losses and the loss of a relationship is closely related to the loss of a loved one by death. She says that getting over the pain is the first step and having a qualified person to talk to and help sort through the pain is a great addition.

          “Most people don’t seek therapy, but still go through the chaos. Instead, they usually go through the situation in unhealthy ways like trying to cover it up, trying to replace the person, dwelling on the situation and making it bigger than what it is.”

          The holidays are usually blissful occasions, but Ashley says a loss can cause a painful, somber and dark shadow covering up the happy memories. This can change the meaning of a holiday for a person.

          “If someone is farther along in the stages of grief, they may look at holidays as a time to remember their loved ones and reflect on the good moments that they have shared with them,” says Ashley.  “Someone who is heavily burdened by grief, despite the amount of time that has passed, will approach holidays with dread. They miss their loved ones during the holidays as it represents happy times that they have shared with that person that could never happen again.”

          The stages of grief, while normally used in relation to death, are also related to the loss of a relationship. It is simply an individual’s readiness to move on and accept the loss, understand the loss and cope with unresolved issues. A persons’ reaction to their loss may also be closely tied to the boundaries established, or the way they interact, with the person. If the two were extremely close, what is called an enmeshed boundary, and depended on one another emotionally and physically, Ashley says that when dealing with the loss, one may be left with a void that they do not know how to fill. Those who have either clear boundaries, healthy, emotional relationships without becoming dependent; or disengaged and rigid boundaries, relationships without an emotional connection; will handle the loss better than someone with enmeshed boundaries.

          “As a Marriage and Family Therapist, the whole [family] system is looked at in every situation. It is everything around one person that shapes them and their ability to move on. Becoming a stronger person in every aspect of your life should be the main focus after any type of separation.”

          To replace that happy melody that your heart once skipped to, Ashley suggests making new memories instead of trying to forget. Forgetting what happened is not dealing with the situation and leaves room for it to resurface. Use time as a coping mechanism and figure out what was lost by that person’s absence and work on filling that void. This should help you shake those holiday blues and get on track to something a little more upbeat.

    Every year on December 31st, social media is plagued with the same stats. “Next year will be my year,” “I’m done with such and such. They can kick rocks and play in traffic,” or my favorite “New year, new me.” Then, by January 7th half of my news feed and timeline are back to their old ways and complaining by August about how ish just isn’t right. Well the first issue is commitment! I have no problem with people saying positive things about themselves and the upcoming year. By all means, claim it! My problem is the lost of drive, enthusiasm and motivation that you started out with. Hopefully today, New Year’s Eve, I can provide tips to help accomplish your new year’s resolutions and possibly some things to add to your resolutions.

Solutions:

1) BE REALISTIC: There are so many things that we would like to do and accomplishment. I am not one to shut down anyone’s dreams. I just think that dreams need to be more realistic. Some things cannot be accomplished in a year alone or it takes a ton of practice and skill that you aren’t able to obtain or do realistically. Timing can be a determining factor in accomplishing some dreams. If you feel that you are too old or have been working toward something for a while and haven’t seen any (as in none at all) results, then it may be time to move along. It’s not you quitting or giving up. It is, rather, you stepping away to explore other possibilities that can blossom into something magnificent. 2) RELY ON SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT: While it is great to have someone pushing and encouraging you, sometimes the best person to do that is yourself. There could be countless reasons why someone doesn’t support you, support you the way you’d like, or fall off with the support they once offered. For those unlisted reasons, it is important to still be your own backbone and motivate yourself. This is your goal to accomplish, not theirs so it makes sense for you to be your number one supporter. If you have someone in your corner who will back you and encourage you the entire way through then that is marvelous, but always be prepared for their absence.
2) RELY ON SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT: While it is great to have someone pushing and encouraging you, sometimes the best person to do that is yourself. There could be countless reasons why someone doesn’t support you, support you the way you’d like, or fall off with the support they once offered. For those unlisted reasons, it is important to still be your own backbone and motivate yourself. This is your goal to accomplish, not theirs so it makes sense for you to be your number one supporter. If you have someone in your corner who will back you and encourage you the entire way through then that is marvelous, but always be prepared for their absence.

3) ORGANIZE GOALS: I have tons of goals that I want to accomplish and they are organized in different ways. One way is to divide and set my short-terms before my long-terms. This not only helps you to better organize your goals, but it also helps you to accomplish more. With short-term goals you will see results faster and sooner which, in turn, should motivate you to keep going and accomplish more. Within your organization, also include what is most important to accomplish first. When you prioritize your life things seem easier, make more sense and you feel more relieved when you get the most important things out of the way before you get into the more leisure goals.

4) DON’T BE AFRAID TO SAY NO: We all have a soft spot for someone or something. They ask and we give. Sometimes they just say and we give. I know I love shoes! I have totes of shoes that I either have never worn or rarely wear, yet I keep buying! Since that is one of my soft spots, I set up a reward system. When I accomplish a goal, I reward myself and shoes can be one of them. I know that there are other things I am working toward that require money, or not, and are more important than shoes. So when I see something I want or something is asked of me I ask myself, do I really need them? Can I live without them? Is it imperative that I do this right now? Can I miss this event? Questions like that help me to say no and keep my focus on my goals.

5) KEEP A DAILY JOURNAL: Journals and I do not get along. After about three days I forget about them. I was given advice recently to write to myself. Every day, write to myself and talk about every little thing that happened and the lessons I learned, even if you think you didn’t learn one. I loved this exercise! In this case, I think that you should write down all of your resolutions or goals and state why you want to accomplish them and rank them by importance. For the next 365 days, write down what happened in your day, good and bad. Write down why it was good, why it was bad and how you could have made it better. While you are doing this, also record how much closer you have gotten to accomplishing your goals. To see your progress grow each day, week or month should motivate you to keep going and make you feel great about how far you’ve come.

6) STAY COMMITTED: Accomplishing goals aren’t always easy. Life happens and there is a chance you will get derailed or have to take a detour. If you keep in mind how important it is to accomplish these goals, envision the outcome and stay focused on what you ultimately want, there should be no reason why you can’t accomplish your goals. This is also why it is important to choose things realistic, believe in yourself, be organized, choose something you really want to accomplish, and keep track of your progress.

Additional Resolutions

1) FOCUS ON YOU FIRST: I know you may think that it is selfish of me to name this the number one resolution for the new year, but think about it. How can you expect to make anyone else happy or be able to put out your best quality work if you aren’t at your best? Take time to focus on your health, well being, get your finances in order, prioritize, get closer to your faith if you choose. Whatever it is that will make you a better person and a better provider for your family, friends, employer, employees and so forth.

2) LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST: There is so much to do and see in this world. I encourage everyone to take full advantage of every sense in your body and everything this world has to offer. Explore your own city, other cities, countries, food, drinks, cultures, languages, everything that is different from you. You can begin by reading something new and out of your comfort zone. Listen to new music. Take advantage of all of your free time and have fun. Go out more, surround yourself with great energy, do what makes you happy.

3) TAKE ADVANTAGE OF EVERY GREAT (positive) OPPORTUNITY: When I was in high school, my principal gave me one piece of advice (at least of what I remember) and that was to take advantage of every opportunity I am given. I know she meant only things that will enhance my life, and it is exactly what I have done. I’ve been able to meet and talk to so many celebrities, journalists and behind the scenes people. Those who are presidents of companies like AMC Networks, Turner Networks, Sundance Channel, Free Spirit Media, and producers of shows and movies like Michael Bay. I was able to assist with a movie production, help put together media events, make documentaries, manage an online publication, and most importantly help others. I knew none of this lied in my future, but when I was presented with wonderful opportunities that I knew would enhance me I took advantage of them.

4) BE MORE OPEN MINDED: There is so much that lies in front of a blind eye. Let go of preconceived notions, prejudices and stereotypes and give something new a try. You never know what will be behind those doors and you can only imagine what can be done and accomplished with an open mind.

5) LESS ENEMIES, MORE CONNECTIONS: I mentioned a few opportunities I was afforded earlier. From those opportunities I was able to form bonds and network. I have people willing to help me better my life and further my career. Some of those people are in really high places and I’d rather have them as a connection than an enemy. There are other people who know they can count on me for certain things as well. Everyone isn’t going to like you or appreciate you. That’s fine. There is no point in wasting energy on those people. Treat them the way you would treat everyone else and keep living. Life is too short to make enemies when much more can be accomplished together that separated. Make love, not war (had a hippie moment). There is always someone who knows something you don’t and someone who can help you. Don’t shut them out.

6) RELAX: While I encourage living life and getting out, I am a HUGE fan of napping! It is easy to find yourself overworked and overwhelmed. When you find yourself in this predicament, stressed or depressed, just take a step back and take time for yourself. Relaxing could be going out and having fun, spending time with family or friends or running a hot bath, reading a good book, watching a great movie, listening to soothing music or napping. Whatever it is, do it.

7) IF YOU CAN’T CHANGE IT, LET IT GO: That’s it. You will literally kill yourself trying to fix something that you have no control over. You have to let it go and move on. I hate saying it will be OK, so I will say life goes on.

    I hope you all enjoy your New Year’s Eve and your New Year’s Day. I hope I was able to help someone. If all else fails, just enjoy living life day by day. What is meant to be will be.

                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                        HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!
                                                                                                                                                                                SP

    Valentine’s Day is coming, Valentine’s Day is coming!!!! What are you going to do? Your options are endless. Even if you are broke or don’t have time, there is still a way for you to make that day, and night, a special one. You don’t celebrate this day? Feel that you show love every day to your partner and this day is unnecessary? Well, to each it’s own. Just look at this as a day to show your partner even MORE why you love and appreciate them! Why not have an excuse to get closer to your baby? You’re afraid the kids will get in the way? Now is the time to make plans to do something with the kids (arts and crafts, family dinner), or to find a baby sitter! Then again, the risk of getting caught makes things all the better (but seriously, make sure they are like in the deepest sleep ever).

    There are always the basic things that you can do. Going out to eat, movies and maybe bowling or something. Everyday things are cool to me as long as you are giving quality time with your sweetie. Here are a few ideas that a friend and I came up with to help you have a very memorable experience!
1) Let’s start the day off easy. Maybe going to the mall and taking photo booth pictures. It’s cute and a great memorabilia to have as a memory of this day especially if it is the first one you guys will be spending together. Let’s keep the fun rolling with lazer tag, go carting or shooting paint balls. Want to go out to for dinner or dessert? Great idea! Let’s just upscale it a little bit. Let’s try places you have to make reservations at or a different cuisine; having to dress up makes it a little more special too.  For dessert a nice ice cream parlor or fondue restaurant would be nice. There are also chocolate restaurants that you could try out. Just type that into Google  or any search engine and it will pull up nice chocolate restaurants in your town where you can have everything made with chocolate, even the drinks! We can finish this with a nice night at home enjoying each others company whether inside or outside of the bed.

2) Don’t want to leave the house? No problem! First rule, electronics go off. No social sites, or communicating with friends. Remember, this day is for you to give quality time and attention to your partner. You can cook dinner for them (or you guys can cook together). Set the table with candle lights and have a nice dim-lit meal together. To add to this night, days before, you can start a bowl of wishes. Every day you both add wishes to the bowl; things that you would like your honey to do to or for you. That night after dinner, pull out the bowl for dessert and try to fulfill as many wishes from the bowl as possible. This doesn’t have to be just for VDay. Add to the bowl all year round and when you want to add a little spice to the bed room, pull from the bowl and fulfill a wish!
3) Staying with the house and no electronics theme, let’s make a transformation and turn your living room into a park. There are a few ways we can pull this off. You can start that morning by leaving little notes around the house in places you know your boo has to go; notes with sweet sayings, quotes and song lyrics or even riddles and poems. Something that says to expect more later on. That evening, have all the big lights off leaving only candles or lamps on and place more note cards with directions on them like “take off your clothes”, “go to the bathroom and dive in”, “meet me for dinner after your bath”, “come to the room for a little show and tell” and so forth. These notes can lead to either a night of fun and games in the bed room or a night in the park. While they are in the bathroom, move all of the furniture out of the way and lay down a blanket. Prepare simple picnic foods with a twist like homemade chicken salad instead of a cold cut sandwich, hand dipped chocolate covered fruit instead of cut up apples and oranges, mimosas instead of regular apple or orange juice. You can even add in homemade desserts or have a fondue pot going. This can be just what it is, a picnic in the park where you play games (sexually targeted or not) or we can make this a movies in the park where you alter the food a little to be more movie appropriate and you guys can spend the night cuddled under the blanket watching movies until they watch you.

4) Don’t want to stay at home or there isn’t any privacy there? Take it to the hotel or plan a nice little getaway out of town. Maybe to the mountains, a log cabin, the beach or if you are near by a Sybaris, check in there. Take this as a chance to act out! Get comfortable and do what you wouldn’t do at home. Role play, try new positions, add in more foreplay, and just be free!! You don’t know when this chance is coming again so take advantage and do all of the things you have wanted to do. Remember, this day is still electronic free, so that means you can expect no interruptions. Have a day full of enjoying each others company, spirit, kisses and possibly bodies!

5) Maybe you guys are a busy couple and you barely have time as it is to spend with one another. Well set aside this day as the day to make it all up. If you’re too tired to roll around, that’s fine too. Order in some food, catch a good movie, and give one another massages and baths. If you want to roll around, play tempting sex games like (my favorite) teasing your lover by touching, feeling and pleasing them. They aren’t allowed to touch you and the first one to get seriously aroused first loses……but everyone is always a winner.

6) Big heads up!!! Valentine’s Day IS a game day! There are two basketball games ( Heat vs OKC @8pm et and Clippers vs Lakers @10:30pm et) and 6 hockey games (Islanders vs Rangers, Toronto vs Carolina, Washington vs Tampa, Montreal vs Florida, Phoenix vs Nashville and Colorado vs Minnesota). Don’t let this get you down. We can make it a game day with the boo! Get tickets to the game if you can. Give them gifts centered around the sport and their favorite team: jerseys, hats, hoodies, autographed items, etc. Can’t make it to the game? You two can spend it in front of the tv watching it together and eating tailgate food. On commercials or after the game, ask one another trivia questions about the sport or team. You get it wrong, you have to either strip or give up a sexual favor! If you are not a sports fan, I advise you to look some things up before this day so that you won’t ask questions while the game is on and you won’t lose…unless of course you want to!

7) Ok so what if you work nights? We can either spend this holiday before the day, after the day, or earlier that day. If earlier that day, you guys can spend time having breakfast in bed or go to breakfast, brunch or lunch. It would be nice to maybe visit a museum, aquarium or even an art exhibit. Stir fry is good for lunch and it’s never too early for ice cream. It’s still not too late to check into a hotel and spend the day getting cozy. Just keep in mind that you will probably want a nap that afternoon before you take off for work.

8) Do you remember your first date? Well relive it! You can substitute the first date for the most memorable one if you’d like. It would make it even more special if you have something from that date, you can get it framed or laminated and present it to them on the date. Don’t feel like a repeat? Try to remember a date they mentioned they would like to have or take you on. Now would be the perfect time to give them what they have been wanting!

9) Ok, ok, ok I hear you! You are single and ready to mingle! Great, have a single +1 party. Invite every single person you know. Ask them to bring a date that they have never been involved with and have no emotional attachment to. This party will give all of the singles a chance to mingle with other single people and possibly find a valentine for next year! If not, parties are fun anyway so why not have one?

10) So these are just other random ideas and suggestions I had left that you can mix and match with and possibly make your own date with. Let’s start with gifts. It is still ok to give the traditional candy, card and flowers. Add in the teddy and possibly a gift card to their favorite store, jewelry, accessories, clothing, sexy underwear, shoes (here are sneaker release dates if you so happen to date a sneaker head http://jordanreup.com/jordan-release-dates and http://sneakernews.com/release-dates/  ) hats, video games, cologne and perfume. Feel free to refer to the Christmas guide below for other add on's. Other ideas are a horse and carriage ride, to go and explore your city as if you were a tourist and ride along with a tour guide learning about what has always been around you, do a photo shoot together or apart, make them a calendar, go to the car show (in Chicago Feb 9-18), go beer or wine tasting (great idea from Cosmo magazine), go to an art show, poetry lounge or nice jazz spot. You could also have a 14 days of love where, starting February 1st, each day leading up to Valentine’s Day, you can give your loved one a gift or sexual favor. Get creative and make them a gift. Amongst the billions of things you could possibly make, how about a pleasure pack using a gift bag, basket or any cute container. Fill it with candy, a stuffed animal, sex toys and games, body paint, candle wax that turns into massage oil when heated, hand cuffs, bondage tape, coupons, a Kama Sutra book, edible sex accessories, dice, body butter, exotic candy, and you can throw in some of the other gift suggestions mentioned before along with some balloons.

    That’s about all of the suggestions I can think of at this moment, but I’m sure you guys can elaborate on these ideas. Oh, and if you don’t drink, I have some nice mock-tail (fake cocktail) recipes that I think you would enjoy. Just ask. If you have any questions about any of this, just ask and I will be more than happy to elaborate, name drop on restaurants, and even give away some delicious recipes! Remember that although you should show your partner love every day, this day is about having fun and giving quality time!
   
                                                                                                                                                           Wishing You All The Best,
                                                                                                                                                                                        SP

Honestly, men aren’t as hard to shop for as we think. They are fairly easy to please and everyday necessities can be presented nicely to make it seem like more thought went into it than it actually did. Here is a run-down:

Underwear-boxer briefs, socks, undershirts, etc. Guys can always use replacements.
Cologne-too simple? Beef it up with a bundle. Cologne, body wash, deodorant, shavers, aftershave, shaving cream and the likes are great items to put side by side in a nice basket, shaving case or even a neat organizing cube!
Video games- as much as I hate it, guys love them! If they haven’t gotten the latest already, go ahead and grab the NBA2k13, Madden13,BO2,MWF4 and all the other games they seem to be addicted to.
You could never go wrong with these knickknacks and remember that a bundle always makes it seem like you did more than you actually did! Back packs, messenger bags, wallets, liquor, cigars, lighters, flasks, shaving kits, watches and cufflinks.

I know, I know. Women are so picky and difficult to shop for, but if you have been paying attention all year, then this should be a breeze!  It’s key to remember that with women (real ones at least) it is the thought that counts so don’t worry if you don’t spend a million dollars, these items are sure to get you on the nice list for Christmas night…..or naughty *wink*

Accessories- you can never go wrong with jewelry. There is always a need to accessorize and jewelry plays a big role in this. You can also look toward hats, gloves and scarves. Do one better and get infinity scarves so that she can wear them after the winter season. Don’t forget the purses and clutches. You can use them to hold the jewelry and other bundle ideas!
Perfume- girls love to smell good. This isn’t enough? Throw in some bath essentials like soap, body wash, lotion, deodorant, bath salts, scrubs, and the likes. Take this idea and run with it by doing a makeup/beauty kit or hair essential kit. Put them in travel bags, baskets, purses, or cute containers.
Getting the idea? Well don’t forget these little helpful add ons like stuffed animals,  jewelry boxes, lingerie, wine baskets, cocktail kits or gift cards to her favorite stores *coughs* {Victoria Secret }.


Some things that are fine to get box sexes are always shoes, clothes, hats, pajamas, jackets and coats, slippers, gift cards, phone and electronic accessories, iPod doc, portable Bluetooth speakers, a phone, shot glasses, game or concert tickets (or gift certificates to redeem on purchasing sites like stubhub.com), sunglasses, fashion glasses, robes, and even bed sets.
Want to make it special? Get a room and please your mate! Massages, bubble bath or dual shower, nice dinner, and a pleasure pack! I'm talking oils, sauces, fruit, games, wax, cuffs, tape, rope, whip, lingerie, or no clothes at all...you get the picture. Cash not right? work with what you have, be creative. Get the house to yourself or be risky and wait until everyone is asleep (or awake). Cook a nice meal, give a massage, take a bath, light some candles, make up your own games and so forth. You guys both win in the end and its tons of fun!
I know time is ticking, but you aren’t out of luck….if you get moving now!

                                                                                                                                                Good Luck,
                                                                                                                                                                SP