Have you ever been so in love with somebody that you would do anything but die for them? Some of you may even die for them! You saw the good in them and their potential to be better when no one else did. You relationship started off great and everything was just unicorns and rainbows.Nice date nights, consideration with every decision, sex was amazing, and everything just seemed so right. Then, what you think is out of nowhere, things take a turn for the worse. You are now living with the enemy and can’t get away. You have a bruised face, bruised legs, bruised ego, and a bruised self-esteem.  Maybe it isn’t that bad. Instead you and your mate argue more often than before, can’t seem to agree on anything, the things you considered cute and unique are annoying and you can’t take them anymore! What do you do? You become selfish!

For those of you who are in a domestic violence relationship and are seeking help, the first piece of advice that you need to take is to be selfish. Whether the abuse is physical, verbal or mental, you have to start thinking about you. If children are involved then you have to think about you and your children. Is this the kind of life that you want to live? I know your  answer is probably no. You may say that it’s only a phase, it only happened a few times, he can change, it was your fault and so forth, but you need to realize that you are never responsible for other people’s actions! No matter how much you provoke them or tempt them, you are not responsible for their actions. There is a possibility that things could get better and they could change, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay around and wait for that to happen. Your guys can be apart while the other works on them. I think it would be healthier for the both of you. Take a step back, evaluate the situation, see if the relationship is worth fighting for, see if you (they) are willing to change, find out what the issue truly is and fix it. Time to yourself or out of a relationship allows ample time to reevaluate yourself and the situation and find out what will make you happy.

Next, you need to make a plan to leave. For some, this isn’t easy. You may have become isolated from friends and family and feel that you have nowhere to run. You are wrong. Regardless, I would like to think that family would still be there for you even if you did push them away. If not, every state has shelters for the homeless and some specifically for battered women and children. If you go to the ones for battered women and children, you don’t have to worry about being found because it can be kept anonymous. Also, try to stash money away. I always say, whether male or female, you should always have your own money stored away somewhere so that if something was to happen (could be anything, not particularly this) and in case of an emergency, you have money to fall back on.Another thing you need to do is file a police report. The report is so that the incident and person is on file. If anything is to happen to you, there is at least one suspect they can turn to. You will have the option to press charges or not and get a personal protective order. If the order is violated and reported, that person can be taken to jail for violation. 

After leaving, using your emergency stash, and filing a police report, you have to start rebuilding your life. Work hard on trying to get your own things, depending on no one. Getting help is ok, but you have to take control of your own life and not give anybody a reason to try and take control from you. Being independent doesn’t mean you have to refuse help, but instead refusing not to stand on your own two feet. Get a job, go to school, put your degree to use, move out of the state if you have to. Do what you feel you have to do to make things better for you and to make you happy. Domestic violence situations commonly just get worse and worse. I advise that you get out before it get to the point where you can't leave. Your are important and your life is valuable. Don't let anybody make you feel otherwise. Checkout this poem I was introduced to a while back. Maybe it will help you out. It's called "I Got Flowers Today" By Paulette Kelly http://graceofjesus.com/flowers.html

Now, if you’re in a relationship that has seemed to have just went south, no violence included, then it’s time for you to be selfish also. A lot of times, we get stuck in our ways or comfortable when we should be improving ourselves. It is true that some people grow apart. I feel that two things can be done in this case. You work on the differences between you guys and see if it’s worth salvaging, see if you guys still have those common interests and if your future goals have common interest. If this doesn’t work or you feel that you guys are beyond this, walk away! You need to worry about your own feelings, emotions and life. I stand firm on the belief that you cannot make anyone else happy if you are not happy. Ultimately, the relationship
will hit a horrible dead end to the point that you guys can’t even be friends anymore. You might not want to be friends with your ex, but you should still enjoy having the option. How do you get out of this? Talk, talk, talk! Communication is the key (or should I say a key), to a successful relationship. You need to have a face to face conversation about what you are feeling. Tell them, “hey, I’m not happy because (insert blank) and I think that it would be better if we ended this relationship.”

When I say be selfish and do what makes you happy, don’t take it the wrong way. If being with a specific person makes you happy, be with them. If providing for somebody, maintaining a nice household, washing the dog or anything else makes you happy, then do it. I am simply promoting that you keep your interest and emotions before anybody else’s because if you put theirs before yours then I feel that it is possible that you could end up unhappy and feeling like you’re stuck. It’s ok to be selfish when the end result is selfless. Learn to care about others when you care about yourself first.
 
                                                                                                                                Sincerely,
                                                                                                                                        S.P

***For those of you (or people you may know) who are victims of domestic violence, visit http://www.domesticviolence.org/ or call 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 for the hearing impaired.

How many of you ladies have thought of and imagined your wedding
since you were old enough to know what a wedding was? (Immediately raises hand)
This is the day that we have waited for. I’m pretty sure the men have imagined
their bachelor parties so they could have an excuse to have a guys night out
that consists of lots of liquor and strippers. The question is not “when is the
right time to think about marriage?”, but “when is it the right time to bring
this up in a relationship?” I switched it around because, as you can see, you
have always thought about it, the groom/bride just changes.

I think the time frame is different for everyone, but what is the same is where you are at in your life and where you are within your relationship. I was told that before I make drastic decisions, I need to be satisfied with where I am in life. Things like a career and money, or any other things that you could be unsatisfied with. Another thing that you need to be happy with is the person you are with. There should be nothing you want to change or improve. All quirks and imperfections should be perfect to you. You don’t want to end up with somebody that you ultimately wasn’t satisfied with or wanted to change. For instance, they are unemployed, sloppy, antisocial, a mama’s boy, daddy’s girl, bad sex, judgmental, overbearing, or shares different views on things that you highly value. Anything that you feel like you can’t ignore or live with is a sign that you shouldn’t bring up the idea of marriage in the relationship. If things improve (because they wanted to, not you) and you become more than satisfied or content, then I think marriage could be considered. If you can figure this out within a year, then more power to you. Personally, I think it takes longer than a year and maybe longer than two todecide if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

I am personally for shacking up. I feel that this helps you feel a person out. Some things can’t be told about a person, but instead has to be learned.  What happens if you get married and it turns out that you simply cannot tolerate your partner or decide to sleep in separate rooms early into the marriage? Let’s not end up in divorce court if we can prevent it before marriage. If shacking is against your beliefs, then maybe staying the night with them from time to time can help you figure out if youcan handle living with them. You want to do this frequently, but not too frequently. You can try just weekends or every other weekend. This way, it becomes so normal to you and your partner that you become comfortable and let your true self show.

I know that life is short and all of that, but nothing needs to be rushed. Eternity is worth waiting for, especially when you are going to spend it with the love of your life. 

                                                                                                             Sincerely,
                                                                                                                      S.P

***Picture belongs to jwcaketops.com